Years ago actor, Will Smith recorded a rap song entitled, "Parents Just Don't Understand". There was no profanity, no guns & roses, no sexually explicit lyrics. In fact many mainstream rappers said that this song did not qualify, to be categorized as a serious rap song! They said that it was too lame, too juvenile, too square! Ok enough of that... What I really want to talk about is the subject of, parent's not understanding. First let me give you a little background on me, so that you will feel confident, that I have some expertise on this subject. My daughter is now 30 years old and she and her husband have 2 children. Before she got to the end of this tunnel, she stumbled through the (know it all) teen years  and the (I'm grown) young adult years... However, for her, the light was always lit at the end of the tunnel. A symbol of  light is significant of guidance and direction. Many times mothers and/or fathers represent the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know for a fact that there were times when my daughter felt like, I just didn't get it! But I did get it!. The thing about parents, mothers in particular, is that we don't want to get it, we want it to go away... We want our little girls and our little boys to zip right through puberty and young adulthood, graduate from college, marry, get a good paying job, a house, a car, stay out of our pockets and live happy ever after! This is our dream and this is our goal... We attempt to get you there, by any means necessary. However, very often we find that these events don't happen, in the order in which we imagined. Often our dreams along with yours become nightmares.

It would also be nice, if we never had to have that talk! You know the one, about menstruation and ovulation and impregnation.. ( Now, I'm not sure if impregnation is a word?) I heard Mike Tyson use it during an interview a few years ago and I liked it! I know that Mike is not a prolific speaker, but thats Ok! Anyway, since this is a blog, there are no rules, so I'll use the word. There is also the talk about using protection and sexually transmitted diseases. And I know that many parents deserve a failing grade (F) in this subject... Even better, we would like to have the power to make unsuitable boyfriends and unsuitable girlfriends permanently disappear, with a blink of the eye!  You know the ones that I'm talking about... Those that represent a parent's worst nightmare. We would really rather not, be so bothered. Yet, we must endure this journey with you, because we love you!... You insist on bringing them to the dinner table, to the family reunion or to a family member's wedding or just to the front porch... We try and be nice, sometimes...but it cuts like a knife! We wonder why you had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find a man or to find a woman?  We see your outstanding qualities and wonder, what went wrong? Immediately, we wonder if you are on drugs? What else could make you think that this person is the pick of the liter? Our minds are rampant with disturbing visions, associated with this relationship, often we keep them to ourselves....

Think about it, after marrying and giving birth to two children, how could I not know how it feels to be infactuated with another, or how it feels to make love for the very first time. If you exist in this world, your parents experienced a first time! Maybe not with each other, but there was a first..  What makes you think that we don't know how it feels to have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart! How would it be possible, that I would not have a clue as to how it feels to love someone, so bad that it hurts! Just take a minute and think about it... As I once told my daughter, there's no way, I would know less at 50 years old than you know at 25 years old. I know some things that can help, if you listen and let me help...I don't want to control you, I just want to show you how to be in control! This is what I told my daughter... I told her that she didn't need a man to tell her whether or not she was pretty or whether or not he approves of her looks, thats why they have mirrors! After you look in the mirror, you need only to acknowledge and recognize your inner and outer beauty strengths. You should then make the best of what you have to work with. You don't need a man to validate your looks, thats what a mirror and common sense does!

So again, parents do understand and this is why we tell you that you don't need a man to validate you or tell you whether or not you are attractive. You should know for yourself. Now, if the comments are compliments that you receive from your significant other ,we're ok with that! But, they must keep it real! It's my job as a mother to tell you when someone is running game and taking advantage of your weakness. Understand this, we simply can't resist coming to your defense! Maybe, you don't understand that at this point in your life....       

As a mother I know that there are times when it seems like I'm trying to run my child's life, but I'm not! However, it's my job to project wisdom and constantly spit out knowledge. Then I have a responsibility to protect you from hurt and to shield you from harm. Even though I know that I can't shield, you from all hurt and protect you from all harm, I sure as hell will try! What we do is play stupid, it can be an effective defense mechanism... .We tell you that, we don't know what's gotten into you! Then we ask you if," you have listened to anything that we've told you". One of our most provocative questions is,"how did this happen?". You must know that we know how it happened and nine times out of ten, we know who made it happen! But, we need to hear it from you... We need you to hear yourself tell us, how it happened, hoping that you will understand the magnitude of your mistake and the details of your dilemma!

Of course I know, how babies are conceived and I know what happens when someone has unprotected sex. What I forget sometimes, is what makes my child forget to protect himself or herself when having sex? But when its all said and done, I remember and I understand! But I usually don't tell you, because that would suggest that I once had those same burning desires, and that maybe, even I, once indulged in acts of reckless abandonment, "Oh did I say that?" Ok, I admit at some point in life most of us have let our guards down and made poor decisions, in the heat of the moment. We feel you, but our job is to instill in you, traits of self-control and a sense of responsibility.

Even those of us who had children at a younger age or married at a younger age, play dumb! We seem to forget the road that we once traveled and the detour's that we once took... Yes," we have the gall to become enraged or upset", when we learn that you are sexually active or even worse, pregnant!  Then there is the parent who is in recovery, wanting to strangle her own, upon knowledge of his or her child's drug addict behavior, like finding pot or weed in a room or in their  possession! Think about it, how can we consume alcohol or weed ourselves and not understand the temptations and the threats that our children face and encounter, where drugs and alcohol are concerned. Our anger is internal and misguided, but executed with good intentions. We know, and we are rarely taken by surprise. Mothers know in their hearts when something is wrong. It's easier for us to pretend that your poison is not what it appears to be. We tell ourselves that the problem is something other than what was, so that we can eventually deal with what is! We understand that when it's all said and done, your problem becomes our problem...So just for a minute, let me pretend that I can pick and choose your poison. That way I can make it nontoxic for a minute...Of course I know, that at the end of the day, it is what is is.....

As parents we realize when the script has been flipped and we cringe when the picture is not pretty... The work that will be required to get you straight is equal to a second job and this is not cool! So we become angry, and we forget that someone helped us in our time of stray, and to that person, it too was like a second job!  Sometimes parents don't want to understand, because we need time to get our head wrapped around the problem. We need time to formulate a plan and implement solutions. 

My daughter shared with me that on her 21st birthday, her brother and cousins took her to a club and she got plastered. In fact, she said that she had consumed several Long Island Ice Teas. She said that she was so loud and (whatever) in the club, that she and her party were asked to leave! I was furious when she told me this! Mind you when she told me this, it was long after her 21 st birthday! I told her that she should be embarrassed and that it made no sense to get that toasted! I told her that I had never been asked to leave an establishment because of my inebriation. She said to me, " mom when you were younger, you and daddy party'd at home!". She then followed up by saying that, she did not believe that I had never had an occasion in my life, when I drank more than I should have"! But, "she said",  since you were drinking at home mom, there was nobody to put you out? I thought about what she said, and you know what? She was right.

I can recall a few times when I drank more than I should have! The few times that I remember, I was pretty toasted, so I too could have been subjected to being escorted  out of a club, at that time in my life!  Now parents, see how easy that was. Sometimes we just need to take a walk back down memory lane... Turn off the selective memory...and turn on truth. 

Mothers put the D in denial and fathers routinely put the burden on mothers to make things right, to fix it! 

Again, most parents really do understand, but we won't take a stand, we won't take your hand and listen as attentively as we should. What we do is tell you how you should feel and then we tell you what you should have done, even though we may have done the exact same thing once ourselves! We often ask, "what were you thinking?". Then we let you know in no uncertain terms that,  you were not thinking!... and there evolves the problem...You feel that we just don't understand!

I told my daughter very early on, that nobody will do for her what her mother will do! And I also told her that as a mother, I had no reason to tell her to do anything that would not be in her best interest....At times, it seemed as if this was very hard for her to understand. But that too has passed! Every young person goes through a stage where their friends or lovers, become their whole world. They don't realize that in the years to come, friends change over and over again and lovers leave you! You are blessed if you can say that you have at least one friend, who stood by your side, over a period of years, through thick and thin...Friends part and go on to live their lives in different places, with different people and most don't remember the times that you cherished, and lovers soon forget the fire that once fueled your relationship......

When we act as if we don't understand, make us understand? Look at our lives and look at our contributions to yours. That's your proof that we probably do understand!

Do you feel that your parent's don't understand you?

Dennyt

Everybody has secrets and the older you are, the more secrets you have. I have listened to people say that they have told someone that they love, everything about them. Ninety nine percent of the time, the person making that admission, was a woman. In reality, nobody tells anybody everything about themselves. It is very rare to hear a man say that he told someone everything about himself! The thought of this for most men, can be unnerving. Doing this would make them feel as if they were walking around naked, with no where to put anything. Some matters of the heart, or matters of a personal nature are just that, and they are meant to be kept safe and sacred.

Many times men have been scared away on first dates, due to the avalanche of information that some women initially share. Some things should really only be shared, on a need to know basis. If you don't know if you'll ever see the person again, why would you feel the need to tell them how many sexual partners you've had or tell them about flattening an ex's tires? Secrets or information such as this can kill the thrill, if there was one...

And yes, holding it in can create anxiety, and an increased heart rate, if you really really want to get it out, or if you really really want to keep it a secret!

In reality, people don't tell other people everything about themselves. They may tell a lot, but not all! First of all, there are some things that we have done in our life that were so stupid, we don't want anyone else to know about them... And then there are the scarlet secrets, involving intimate and or unhealthy relationships. Even though the truth can set you free, it can also shatter your life at the same time. For this reason we are sometimes forced to keep secrets. I have always made a special effort to get to know individuals, that I involve myself with. I want to know their anger threshold, their tolerance level and most important their inner feelings toward me. For all I know this person may be briefly passing through my life. If that is the case, he has not right to know my secrets..But, all of these secrets can make you sick. Secrets can affect your mental and physical health. Often when this happens, we don't realize what is causing the illness. Depression and anger are real culprits of secrets and inner turmoil. At some point in our life we must learn to distinguish good secrets from bad secrets. And there are innocent secrets and damaging secrets. Obviously, secrets that may damage the lives others, demand special consideration, before they are shared. Secrets are also used as weapons. People expose them out of revenge and anger, without consideration for the welfare and mental state of others.  And, secrets can be the reason for losing the on you love... That hurts!

Do you have secrets that have caused you hurt or anxiety.

Dennyt